september ("fisherman")

teeth grit,

bowspray crackling

against leatherbound cheek. 

flint-hued eyes

set like stones

in the sockets of his skull,

casting out small, flat chips

of the same color

over the endless ocean,

vainly,

after the horizon's fleeing back

his red red heart

curled like a fist

around ropes of blood

the hat he gave his son

that his son left in the garage

now worn & frayed,

discolored like an old tooth,

is lifted, jammed back down

& shifts, back & forth -

brim pointing first forward

then back,

like a compass exposed

to a man-sized magnet

above, the old sky

still appearing new,

and the veiled threat of fall

nestled sweetly

between the words

of the wind

the roar of the ocean in the sky echoed in our room

the shush of sheets
over bare, scissoring legs

late night undulation
thrust, parry,
push, pull

the wind from the window
is labor-shallow,
the world outside
is a woman in birth
snarling

i am devouring your pain
through savage, blunted teeth
i am shoving fistfuls of you
into a small wet cave
whose walls are painted
with figures from a dead time,
with the paint from the heads
of dead marigolds,

shatter, spin,
suddenly:
rounded eyes,
as big as two moons
in a blemished sky

i cram your heartbeat
into my ears,
all eleven measures of it

i like you terrified.
i like me poised,
catlike,
on a branch,
entranced by the black glint
of your fledgling bird's eye
somewhere down
on the winter ground

the ceiling thrums
like a skin pulled
taut over a drumhead,
the bed hums
like a skin pulled
tight over the bones
of a skull

outside, a seagull falls
for no reason
from the endlessness
of the sky

in the morning we will find it
crested, regal,
on its back, with its eyes squinched
shut and beak
curving heavenward

you unknit, suddenly,
too suddenly,
in the cold breath of the dawn,

and i spend the rest of my life
chasing down
the fleeting pieces of you
tossed about by the teasing wind

saint oscar (pt. 1)

my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth and i can feel the heartbeat of the knife in my pocket.  the whiskey thunders through my veins like a disease and threatens my brain.  the architecture of my brain has become Brutalist.  lately i have been bleeding from strange places and all i listen to is a female singer-songwriter who is prone to write songs about winter.

a week ago i told Lucas that i loved him and he stared at me as though i had become glass and shattered.  i have never seen someone so horrified and it's not that i'm so ugly.  i am ugly like an overripe fruit.  on the same day, the season turned into summer like a depressed, irritable person shifting their weight to one side.  i abruptly vomited and he held me up while gobbets of myself drooled from either side of my mouth.  his look of horror had melted down slightly, like plastic, or wax, subjected to an intense heat.

'are you OK?'  he asked, solicitously.  i watched a long strand of my saliva fall to the back of his hand, like a raindrop in slow motion.

my voice had fallen away from me, had slunk out of my throat like a lover caught cheating.  i shook my head from side to side and vomited again.

'should I take you to the hospital?'

his eyes were so concerned.  there is a sheen of sympathy on his face, like sweat after a long run.  his voice is tired and weary.  he's had enough of me, i can tell.  i've had enough of me. 

i smelled of day-old garbage.  banana peels, orange rinds.  coffee grounds and sour milk.  i started to cry and mucus clogged the back of my throat.  one of my shoelaces came undone and lay on the sidewalk like a dead worm.

the only thing that will make me feel better is to kill him.  i considered a bullet.  i considered poison, the weird white lace of dusty arsenic.  i considered a bomb.  in the end, only a knife would do.  i've kept it in my pocket, folded like the legs of a cricket, for so long.  it's never had a use.  it gets warm in my hands when i grip it.

'HAVE YOU CONSIDERED JESUS?' a poster on the telephone pole is yelling at me. 

'no,' i tell it simply, lying, as i pass by.  one hand is in my pocket.  the other one swings haplessly by my side.  my friend the female singer-songwriter is singing in my ear a song about skinny trees bent over by the weight of the gray sky.  her voice is like a skein of yarn, unspooling, looping itself in thick coils on the floor of my skull.

i quit smoking in November but i want a cigarette right now more than anything.

Lucas lives in a five-story building on the other side of town.  i can see the brick of it in my head.  there is an obnoxious seagull that is following me.  i know it is the same one because it has a cock-sure look to its beady eye.  this started a week ago.  i ran at it to scare it off, yelling like a madman.  it just stared at me, and then took off, flying up into the sky where i couldn't reach it.  i'd like to rip its feathers out, one by one, and then burn them, one by one, with a lighter.  i think it knows what my plan is.  it's eyeing my pocket.  i've named it Lucas.

the other side of town is over a railroad track which acts like a tourniquet, cutting off the bloodflow.  all of the houses are drained white, blanched.  there is no color on this side of town, except for the trees in fall.  Lucas lives in number three-A.  his apartment building is full of beautiful people who never need to wash their hair to look good.  the kind of people you stare at on the street.  clothes were made for them.  i am in love with a number of them, but none so strongly as Lucas.  he wears an impossibly russet-colored shirt almost constantly, with the sleeves rolled up to his forearms.  he always seems to have a hooded sweatshirt on, even in summer.  when he wears a white t-shirt, his skin turns ruddy.  his eyes are brown and his hair is brown and straight and touched with weird brushstrokes of tarnished gold.  he is the kind of guy who wears one pair of sneakers and always has.  they are grass-stained and battered and their color is blue, as though they are out of breath and slightly cyanotic.  he can't seem to keep the laces tied. 

the sun sneaks out of a cloud and lances me right in the eye.  i blanch away from it and Lucas-the-gull caws loudly like he's laughing.  i wish i had a slingshot and a small explosive.  'fucking bird,' i mutter, and spit to one side.  my stomach is lurching around like a drunken giant inside of me.  i have to inhale, a shuddery breath that feels serrated, like a knife sawing deeply into a plank of wood.

i am pink on the inside, like a badly-cooked piece of meat.  i don't ever want to see the inside of myself on the outside ever again.  my tongue has unloosened from the roof of my mouth like the cuff on a shirt and barely feels attached to the floor of my mouth either.  if i open my jaw it will slide right out of me and fall to the ground, wriggling around desperately, like a snail without its shell.

my heart is aching.  actually aching.  it seems to beat like a tired drummer, desultorily hitting the snare, arrhythmically and out of time.

if i don't stop i will follow through.  i can feel my knife warming up through my jeans.  Lucas' building appears slowly, like a scene from a movie, and i push open the front door.  it is not locked.  headlines are cartwheeling through my head.  TWENTY-YEAR OLD BARISTA SLAIN IN APARTMENT.  LUNATIC IMPRISONED.  SENTENCED TO DEATH.  JURY.  JUDGE.  EXECUTED.  "HE WAS SO QUIET."

i turn around in the dark lobby and see Lucas-the-gull performing a small promenade outside, bobbing his head up and down, knowingly.  he looses a garbled cackle.

you're just death sans hood, baby

i watch you take your eyes
out of your skull
and place them on the table
reverently,
then step back and sigh,
crossing your arms
over your chest

cigarette smoke unravels
from your mouth
in long, knotty ganglia,
as though you are
exhaling your spine

i watch you
quietly and decisively
plunge your hand
into your chest
and pull your calcified heart out
and set it on the table

when it hits the wood,
it makes a noise
like a glass of whiskey
re-encountering the bar
from the hand of a drunk
and glitters
nastily
in the same way

your hair
turns suddenly white
with the effort of growing,
and you tell me
between mouthfuls
of your own fingers
how you've always
bitten your nails
to "the quick"

your wan smile threatens
to slide right off of your skull
and then makes good on its threat

you pull off your skin
like a set of rainsoaked clothes
and your skeleton shivers
like a windchime in a
dispirited breeze

i touch each one
of your vertebrae,
rap each one lightly
with a knuckle,
as though quietly
asking for permission to enter
as though quietly
begging you to stay

the electric universe (scraps)

the new world!
a blinking whirl,
a dizzy shimmer,
this lurching carnival &
sudden, dreamlike drift -
           have I been here before?
 (electricity's invisible kiss, a clock's devious hiss)

& the atmosphere is crackling
with unsung words
pickpocketed from the mouths
of drunken poets

(this winterbound city
purses her lips, hesitates,
crumbles, burns, shivers,
reassembles.)

the old street still lives
beneath the new street,
the old hotel rooms hum
inside new apartments,
like a clock within a clock,
one pair of hands
in a desperate chase
after another,
sweeping indulgently past hour
after hour,
gathering up seconds like gemstones
as the face yellows
and clockguts rust

(& the rain falls outside
desultory, indifferent,
gathers strangth,
exhausts itself,
spatters, stops)

we are creating a new history
all salvage & twisted rope &
rusted links of chain,
feebly attempting any connection
between empyreal and concrete,
lashing down whatever
embattled spirits we can
(some nights i roll over
and there is a phantom
between us, eyes shut
and hands fists (as though in prayer)
beneath the eave of her chin)

and time clothes itself in
the discarded garb of our old enemy -
Death -
as we inch nearer
to the edge of
an unnamed cliff
only ever trangressed in dream -

(even it, doubling in the
drunken field of our vision,
reveals itself as hologram)

and time,
that awful invisible tyrant
who lives in the wings
hushing every actor
who has yet to
make their eager entrance

fishing

to Mike Foley

I am trying to slip sidewise
into this unwritten poem,
I am a sliver of a person
lodged in the palm of the bar,
surrounded by fidgeting fingers,
loquacious drunks, befuddled by
the intensity of the guy adjacent -
a man who provokes conversation
so that he can use the word "I"
as much as possible,
as though that ninth letter
at some indiscernible point in the past
became totemic,
and I keep slipping obliquely,
jarred by this man's insistent,
repeating narrative of
a missing tooth -
and they say when (within a dream)
a tooth goes missing
it means you're afraid of abandonment,
as though a part of you
has mysteriously & without reason,
politely & bloodlessly,
seceded overnight -
just like this damned poem,
a silvery flash under dark waters
(and me without a creel or even
a serviceable line, pun intended)
all I have is this wriggling worm,
too fleshy and insistent,
desperate not to be used,
so alien against
the iridescence of my palm -

The Mill (fragment of an exorcism)

[INTRODUCTION/SETTING THE SCENE]

That's just what they called it: the Mill.

It was a building where people went in, sat down for hours, and then walked out at the end. Some of them straggled outside to smoke, gnawing the filters of their cigarettes, hands moving sluggishly as they attempted to process the hours of the day and explain how they felt to the other blank-eyed smokers who stood beside them.

The parking lot was where these hapless escapees congregated, behind the dumpsters and beside the heaving growl of the central air unit. Some of them looked like kicked dogs, huddled into their coats, while others found momentary strength in numbers, complaining loudly and expansively to their comrades. Most just stood silently, staring into the bluer-than-blue sky, or off at the bigger building across the arterial, some firm with three names and what looked like ergonomic chairs at each desk. The winter was in the gray phase, when everything looked scuffed and corroded by the weird white markings of rock-salt and snow-sand. They felt their lungs, too, graying, like loose-leaf notebook paper gone to ash. Their eyes hung out of their faces.

It might as well have been Bedlam, but without the screaming and after the pre-frontal lobotomy.

Inside, it was worse. This was the Slow Season, and most of the people sat at their desks, hands on the home key row on their keyboards, staring sightlessly into too-bright monitors uncalibrated for hours of use. Overhead, garish rows of fluorescent lights stretched on for rooms and rooms, while stairwells were sinkholes of dark, flickering bulbs and breakrooms more of a storage space for vending machines and chairs with missing wheels or broken backs. Each room was structured as panopticon, with an overseer in the middle and their assignees grouped around them, all facing brick walls, so that the supervisor would be able to see their monitors. The Slow Season meant that everyone had just suffered through the crushing anxiety of Cut-Downs, where the wheat was scythed from the chaff, with blinding efficacy and seemingly no regard for circumstance. One grossly overweight woman, whom everyone knew had no acumen for the job, was kept on, while a young man who had just rented himself a studio apartment and was clawing his way out of debt had been told that he was “no longer needed.”

Desks changed every so often. They would come in to their position, only to discover, as though through some sort of dream logic, their desk was no longer their desk. Disorientation followed, and the onus of figuring out what, exactly, had occurred, fell on the hapless worker. He could always turn to ask the overseer, but they, likelier than not, would simply frost their gaze and point in a direction that the worker would then follow, hopefully, to some sort of answer. By the time the new location was ascertained (on another floor, but still facing another brick wall), the worker was considered “late” and suffered through the acid tones of their own supervisor as they sat down to prepare to do nothing for hours on end.

Most took up smoking just to be able to get out of the stifling atmosphere for 15 minutes at a time. These fifteen minutes were highly prized possessions. Some, especially those on the entry level, or the third floor, were in the unenviable position of having to ask their supervisor for an OK to leave. Cruelly, the supervisor would often either ignore their question, or simply say “no” with nary another thought. Their eyes, it's true, hardly ever left the monitors before them.

At five in the evening, the doors exploded with the rush of those freed from the innards of the Mill. Of course, there were some who had to stay behind, perhaps for hours, perhaps on a later shift. This, then, the optimal time to be there. Throughout the night, the third floor windows were illuminated. The hazards of being open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, even on Christmas Day. The Mill simply never slept.

It is a small city, perched on the edge of a harbor like a child testing its courage. The Atlantic turns into a widow in the winter, chilly and unforgiving and bitter, making itself a mirror for the world and showing nothing but bile and vitriol. Snow and ice crust the streets for months before melting into a gray sludge that looks like the residue of a painting after being attacked by turpentine. But this, the knothole of winter, the time after the old year's gone and the time before the new spring comes, this is the worst. The cold is unabated, the wind is hawklike and uncivil, and the hours leap by like whitetail deer before the sound of a hunter's rifle. The sun's passage across the sky is mortichnic, like tired clockwork performing a final time, every day.

There's a joke that runs through the city like an old thread, stained like a smoker's teeth: “You could always go work at the Mill.” And most, if they're lucky, know what that means and have been lucky to escape it, but some are desperate and don't know, and don't have anyone to warn them. And those who do go, stay for a long time. Hardly anyone ever quits the Mill - you're either fired, or you're a lifer. Most have been there past the three-year mark, declaiming with ever-withering tones as the months pass, “No, this time I mean it. I'm out of here. This is my last year. No bullshit.” And all the others nod their heads in mock-sage agreement, knowing better. The year passes, and even through the warm bounty of the summer and the crisp of fall, the ague of winter descends again and the year's wheel turns, and they're still there, at their desk, strapped in and just a bit more smudged around the hollows of the eyes.

This is a place where questions, once asked, lie unanswered on the floor like dead leaves. Eyes dart from corner to corner as if seeing shadows move, or as if seeking shadows. The breath of every single worker at the Mill is rotted and stale, and they stink of fear-sweat as it saturates their clothes.

And when they are finally off of a shift, they proceed in rank & slumped-shoulder file to bars, bars of different colors and stripes, different drinks clenched in different hands, but always a drink and hardly ever a beer. They chase away the weird grit of despair that lodges in the cracks between their teeth and in the corners of their eyes with the cleansing burn of alcohol. Soon enough, they overdrink, and the anger worms its way back into their hearts and their fists clench anew as eyes slowly creep back towards the clocks on the wall. As last call approaches with a heavy, almost tender step, the only thing on their mind is how many hours are left before returning to their desks and once again snapping closed the shackles around their wrists and tethering themselves to their desks.

Well, it's either this or a life of crime. Or a life working at the convenience store down the hill, where you're more apt to be stabbed than you are smiled at, and you'll go home with less in your pockets than you had when you arrived. The fifth floor of the Mill is reserved for these kinds of arguments, when the heads of the company bother to address the concerns of those who work below. The fifth floor, indeed, is never trespassed upon, not even to make use of its bathroom. Most do their business quickly, though the stalls don't lock and the urinals don't flush, and paper towels are hardly ever in supply. The handles of the bathrooms are almost always wet with someone else's residue, and most workers use the pinched sleeve of their shirt or jacket to open them. Once inside, the noisome chamber affords little privacy or even sanitation. In a sublimely cruel trick, the flusher on the toilets is situated in such a way that one must reach through the horns of the seat to depress, or put the seat down entirely. This is a problem endemic to the men's room, but there are other problems, and most would argue, somewhat worse, to the women's. The fifth floor argues that they are lucky to have a separate men's room and a women's room. This, they say, is an expense and ill-afforded.

In the lower levels, the temperature is hardly ever regulated, and most of the workers there are seen wrapped in layers throughout the day. Some prefer gloves, though that does make it more difficult to type, and the overseers frown on inefficiency. So the first floor are called the “Bluefingers” because of the strange hue of their hands, due to the cold. This is ironic, because those who deal most consistently with rich, upper-crust clients are on this floor. It is an enviable position, if only because of the prestige, but no one wants to work there because those who do inevitably come down with the First Floor Sickness: an unexplained phenomenon consisting of a constantly running nose, pertussis-like coughing, and a strange, low burr to their exhausted voices.

•

A pale, membranous blue, lit spectrally, as if from behind. The sun, slunk already between buildings, and the waves going in and out of the harbor like murderer's knives.

The still quiet of between-holidays, a city emptied from its brim to its dregs. The crunch of snow underfoot like day-old pastries, the street itself with a thin crust of delicate icing.

A toothache, like a black hole in his jaw, and his mittened hand at the side of his cheek, rubbing ineffectually. This is a different kind of cold, one that does not respond to half-hearted friction. Best thing is to relocate the pain. He strips off his left mitten and uses the teeth on the left side of his mouth to bite down hard on his index and middle finger, already pinking in the frigid air. He bites carefully, pressing hard on the divot between the third and second joint, and applies more pressure. The cold air seeps in around his fingers and saliva trickles down the side of his chin like a dam secretly preparing to burst. He feels the slimy trail go gelid as soon as it leaks from the corner of his mouth - too cold even to launch itself from the rampart of his chin and shatter on the sidewalk.

A carhorn, and headlights flashing - he's inadvertently crossed into the street at a green light. The driver, an old man with white hair and a Burberry coat (with matching red-plaid hat) is gesticulating angrily at him. He stops, standing directly in the road, staring at the man. The car is a shiny black BMW 5-series. There is not a single spot of rocksalt or sand on it, not even in the wheel-wells where plump, satisfied tires rotate on finely-greased axles.

The driver rolls down the window. He notes that the man is also wearing a scarf that matches his coat. “Whaddaya doin? Are you fuckin retarded?” Re-tah-ded. He doesn't recognize the accent. He shrugs and blinks, fingers still in his mouth. He removes them, gingerly, and the toothache gleefully reasserts itself. He notices the weird, nearly topological crescents of tooth imprints on his fingers.

“Toothache,” he says, by way of explanation, but his voice is quiet and the wind pulls the sound away from his lips before it has a chance to reach the irate driver-man's ears. Drooping ligaments of saliva are still attached to his fingertips from his mouth.

“GET OUT OF THE GODDAM ROAD!” The driver is turning purple. Like Veronica Salt, or whoever, from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. Maybe he'll explode. He laughs a little, wondering where the driver-man has got to go that's so important.

“Are you late for a very important date?” He asks, tossing out his voice like a lasso. He does not move from the spot he's stopped. A weird rash of light has grown in his eyes, making him appear almost feverish. “You should check your pocket-watch!”

The man has rolled up his window again. He is now holding the heel of his hand against the horn. The sound obliterates anything else, for blocks around. The whole world becomes the F# of the horn.

He opens his mouth, saliva still dripping from his teeth, and looses a sound to harmonize with it.

One of his shoelaces has come untied, he notices idly. It lays like an old, dead worm on the asphalt, after a spring rain. He cuts off his sound, and stoops down to fix it.

Redandblack birds fill his vision. It feels like he's falling through a strange, wet, leaf-pile. The pain of the toothache, finally freed, explodes throughout his entire body as the car slams into his side, rupturing his skull and shattering his bones.

The sound of the horn continues to echo, pitch-shifting, like a scream unsure of itself, and then finally pinches off.

•

He wouldn't have done it if there had been someone there to see. He wouldn't have done it if his daughter, who looks to be about the kid's age, had been in the car, or in the state, for that matter. He wouldn't have done it if he hadn't just left his ex-wife's house, dropping off the kids' Christmas presents. His ex-wife's house, his old house.

He adjusts the chunky Rolex on his right wrist and turns the seat-warmers up. A not entirely unwelcome heat seeps up and into his buttocks, rising through them. He catalogues the various aches:

right knee
third digit of right ring finger (where the ring used to be)
knife-edge of left hand, near to wrist
indigestion
a rough tickle in his throat (post-nasal drip, perhaps)
rattling in the lungs

He'd light up a cigarette, but he promised someone he wouldn't. His hands are shaking slightly, and his nose is running.

He wouldn't have done it if it weren't so late in the day.

He wonders if there's blood on the front fender. He wonders if he bent the fender. The goddam mechanic won't be in until the new year, which means he'll have to drive the Benz, which is a year older than he'd like it to be and doesn't have the seat-warmers.

“Fucking hell,” he grumbles. There is nothing about this season he likes. He drives past buildings liberally festooned with tinsel and blinking lights and ho-ho-hoing plastic Santas lit electrically from within. He doesn't like the cold, and he doesn't like the lines you have to wait in just to get a coffee. He'd go to the Dunkin Donuts instead of the indepedently-owned local shop, but they don't have the kind of beans he likes.

He is the kind of man who changes his clothes three to four times every morning before he leaves the house. He can put them out the night before in order to conserve time, but by the time he gets up, showers, and gets ready to go to the office, he feels differently, and staring at himself in the mirror, he just doesn't feel right somehow. As if he knows - can see himself hours ahead - having a miserable day. He is possessed of a certainty that if he changes what he's forecasting, changes into a new suit of clothes, the day won't be as bad. He knows this is entirely erroneous. He does not care.

Kiesenwetter (1)

cloud-watcher on his hill.  inscrutable & yet approachable.  wise, wry smile which rises over horizon-lips.  reflects in his eyes: twin sunrises.  a gentle curve of conversation, gliding evasion, after every posed question.  he is somehow akin to warm ice, oxymoron notwithstanding; constantly in the process of melting & yet, more solid than anyone else she has ever met before - including & up to her most recent boyfriend.

in fact, said boyfriend is the very reason she has sought out Kiesenwetter - the tumult of her dilemma has driven her to seek out the nephomancer, despite her loathing for divination in all forms.  she instinctively, unconsciously, turns to the methodology of fate - when one has no God, she often (drunkenly) opines, one seeks out God anywhere one might find it ... and that is how she references deity - by the genderless, vague, indiscriminate pronoun.  it settles easier in her stomach & lungs, like a less acrid smoke or a milder hot sauce.  still causes heartburn, but nothing a quick pill won't quell -

& she stands before the (irritatingly) cross-legged Kiesenwetter on his prophecy hill, his too-blue eyes cast reverently firmament-ward, somehow discerning (through whatever meteorological calculations) the future of each & every cloud.  at this point in their relationship, she can recognize the Linnean nomenclature of those moist bodies, tossing their particulate selves heedlessly against the unyielding wind.

she can tell, now, by the gentle, near-unconcerned furrow of his brow, that the seemingly placid stratocumulus are about to mount, galvanize, revolt, up towards the troposphere - gain vertical height & discover (somewhat triumphantly) a heretofore unseen power within their heavy, gray guts - become tyrants of the sky, and rage beautifully until they, inevitably & always, expend themselves & expire in the effort.

by the time this happens, she will have unmounted prophecy hill and be safe within the (albeit quivering) walls of her apartment, staring at the refrigerator-blue of her phone & wondering when he will call.

Anecdote: before she descends, Kiesenwetter will say, somewhat enigmatically:

'the compass, spinning,
always returns north.
why not follow the sun?
turn west.'

she will take it to mean: try something new.

she wonders if she is quiet love with the cloud-watcher.

seconds later, she dismisses the conjecture in favor of tequila - and later, beer.

the phone rings & it's him, and he wants information.  she is tired and all day (all week) it's seeped, somehow, into her bones, and when she walks to work, she cracks & groans like an old floorboard.  she calls him Simon though his name is Peter (it's an old joke, tarnished by too many years spent together like pennies rubbing together in a drawer) and answers his question while lying on her bare mattress.  outside, the sky hums a tune to itself, which is rapidly shearing away by an increasing wind, turning ugly, basso profundo.  Simon's voice is twittering away in her ear.

she looks up and backwards, out the window over her head, through the slats of dusty white blinds.  blue is turning purple-black, and the now only the bottoms of clouds are to be seen, opaque & grim.  her mind wanders to Kiesenwetter, probably now inside his small, one-room house (built himself) with the wide ceiling aperture. 

'i feel like i never see you anymore is all,' he is saying, and she catches a glimpse of his pain through his words, but finds a callus growing over her feelings for him.  'are we still even friends?'

'of course we are,' she soothes with a false balm.  'we're more than friends.'

'what are we?'

bad question, she thinks to herself.  come up with something poetic, that'll shut him up.  'twins,' she says, finally.

'that's kind of gross,' he immediately responds. 'twins don't have sex.'

'you know what i mean,' she deflects, and this is the precise moment the rain begins hissing against the ground, spattering virulently against the leaves, and the first unfurling of thunder works its way through the buildings.  she imagines the sound like a panther, shouldering its muscular way through the jungle - lean, controlled, unblinking.

'sure,' he deflates, and she she can hear him sigh through the phone.  his sighs are always accompanied by a hand through his shaggy blond hair.  'what are you doing tonight?'

'dunno,' she says, casually.  'maybe a margarita.'  her eyes wander over to the empty shot glass on the desk.  she'd opened a can of beer, but can't remember where she put it, and feels too lazy to traipse down the hallway to find it.

'i'm out of work around seven.  i'll come meet you before i come home.'

she likes it that their work schedules don't align.  having the whole apartment to herself is a luxury.  she sometimes walks naked down the long corridor, hearing the sound of her bare feet sucking at the hardwood floor as she goes.  she takes a shower with the door open and doesn't wash the dishes when she's done cooking. 'okay,' she agrees.  he has to come home sometime.  better that she's a little drunk and in public before he does - or at least, that's what she's telling herself.  'will you pick up a bottle of Silver on the way?  i just drained it.'

'we just bought that bottle on Sunday.'

'and it's Thursday,' she says acridly.  'what's your point?'

'nothing.  nevermind.'  another sigh.

'i'll see you up there?'  all sweetness & light.  more thunder, from behind.  she sits up and rakes a hand through her hair, viciously, through the snarls.  lightning reflects off of the white walls of her room.

'yeah, i'll come by after work.  love you.'

a fraction of hesitation.  'love you too.'  she hangs up first, almost too fast, and worries over the speed for a second before collapsing back onto the bed and closing her eyes, silently repeating the cloud-watcher's words.

she dreams of compasses, of mountains, of lightning seaming the sky, of a dark-clad individual with no face leading her into a chasm, of crossing a pewter river in a boat with a man in a hood, and of a song that is gone from her mind the second after the second she opens her eyes.

Eddy (part one)

​She spoke with her hands, illustrating the words her mouth revealed a half-second before she spoke them. Her hands were always ahead of her lips, even and especially when we laid together on top of rumpled sheets, with only the faraway moon for an observer.

​She told a story: a wind-chapped, angry story about her last lover. He had marooned her in his boat at the marina. She'd woken to the sound of nothingness, a fuzzy heavy feeling in the air. The shadows under the benches and around the table were still, but seemed to breathe shallowly, as though her waking had caught them in the middle of some roundelay or caper. They waited for her lapse back into the soothing dark of sleep, to blink once and then yawn, and then curl back against the small pillow, nestling down and then, further down.

​She didn't know at the time that he'd left her. The pocket of space behind each of her curves still seemed filled with him as she slowly climbed back to wakefulness. Her head throbbed with the fury of hangover, like something thrashing around in deep water, gasping for breath. Sharp, short bursts of electricity jabbed into the back of her neck, snaking up and around her head and invading her inner ear. This is what woke her up, what immediately forced her outstretched hand to seek his frame out - his big, broad frame, and - upon questing - found nothing.

​Panic set in the way it always will, first like a fog and then like a fire. Frostbitten with it, she cast her gaze around the room. The immediate litany of locations fluttered through her head: ... bathroom, abovedecks ... She was half-dressed, and suddenly, acutely, felt her nakedness like a shame. Cheeks burning and eyes swimming in their shallows, she clambered into her pants and pulled the curtain of her hair back across her forehead. She called out his name, and heard it sink, forlornly, into the quicksand of silence.

​That was the first time he'd left her. The second time, she began, was even worse ...

​But the thunder abbreviated her telling, as her eyes slanted towards the window and the lightning's sky-grimace. She made the same motion: pulled her hair across her forehead, fear congealing in her eyes.


​A month later, she, too, disappeared. It wasn't an entirely unknown phenomenon: this town had a habit of suddenly casting someone off, hurling them like a rider from the back of an angry bronco. A tear was shed, drinks were clinked together, and then the space at the bar where she sat was healed over like the space over an abscess in the mouth. It would be another number of months before she would be fondly remembered (a passing anecdote) and the feather of emotion and loss would tickle their sopping hearts.


​One night, her last lover shambled in.

​It was raining, though the day had been sunlit. The wind teased the oncoming storm like a prize on a string, blown first this way and then that, just out of reach. The smell in the air was of fish and gulls, and stale cigarette smoke.

​He pushed his way through slant-wise. If he had stood up straight, he would have been barred progress by some invisible wall, would have had to lean against it every step of the way, pressing forward like a doomed mime.

​One barfly leaned over and whispered to another, voice craggy with cynicism. It's him again.

​His eyes were wild and his hair was matted down over his brow, as though he had been swimming. The scattering of patrons on their stools slowly swiveled their heads to watch his passage, like blinking, insensate seals sunning themselves on sea-slick rocks watching a freighter steam by. The bar glittered like the ocean beneath their elbows.

​'Can I help you?' The bartender knew him, knew his glazed-over face and his glazed-over eyes. He was tolerated, though almost always politely asked to leave after one bottle of beer.

​'Where's she.'

​'I'm sorry?' The bartender blinked, though tilted his head to one side, as if examining an unknown variable in a math equation.

​'Where's she.'

​'I don't understand.'

​'Yes. You do. She.'

​'Look, man. You're obviously drunk. I think you should leave.'

​He stubbornly shook his shaggy head, like a beast furrowing the soil, head lowered. He gnashed his teeth and listed from side to side. 'Not till. Her.'

​They two were thrown into a momentary battle of wills, locked eyes, until the bartender chuckled and shook his head. 'I don't think you want me to call the police.'

​He turned then, almost falling over onto one of the stools, causing a yelp of surprise to emit from the occupant, and finally pitched himself out of the bar, slamming the crash-bar hard with the heels of his hands as he went. The door gave a shrill whinny of alarm, but allowed his egress.

​And that was the last time any of them saw him, either.


​It wasn't that he, too, vanished into the particulate air, but rather that they all did. The Friday afternoon crowd. One by one, over the following weeks, in a staggered formation, until one day the morning lasted until the late afternoon with no one astride their seats. At two minutes til four, he entered, meaty hands manicured and hair slicked back from his clean-shaven face. Dried blood pocked the underside of his chin from where the dull razor had nicked the wriggling, subdermal capillaries. His left eye gleamed with a virulent sheen, as though someone had embedded a diamond deep within the mine-black of his pupil. He nearly swaggered.

​The bartender raised an eyebrow as he walked in. 'Can I help you?'

​'No.' The man sat down at the bar, directly in the middle of the empty barstools. One free hand moved carefully over his hair, as if cautious of any disturbance. This hand motion followed down his front, adjusting his dark tie somewhat absently, before coming to rest like a malformed, fleshy bird perching on the bar. 'You didn't even try to help last time.'

​'I'm not sure what you mean,' he said, tilting his head to one side in the same manner as a dog does, upon hearing a sound whose origin he cannot determine.

​'She disappeared.'

​'People have a habit of doing that in this city,' the bartender replied, and went on to polish another glass that didn't need polishing.

​'I know that,' the man growled, and his hand formed a fist.

​'If you're not going to have a drink, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.'

​'Fine. Gimme a scotch.'

​'Which one?'

​The man glared at him balefully, one eye squinted near-shut, the other glittering, malevolent, quasar-like. 'Whichever. The cheapest.'

​The bartender turned, sizing up the man. He'd ordinarily turn him down, but something had changed. 'Fine. Neat, or rocks?'

​'Neat.' A wolfish grin, as if on springs, rent the bottom half of his face.

​Outside, the wind picked up, and slapped the awnings rudely with its big invisible hand.

​The glass, redolent of antiseptic, slid suddenly in front of him, the liquid inside slopping from side to side. 'Quiet in here today,' the man said suddenly, a trace of amusement lingering on the words like scurf from the breakers.

​'One of those days,' the bartender said, shrugging.

​'One of those days,' echoed the man, and toasted the thin air with his glass.


​A week later, the bartender disappeared, and someone new slid into his place like a picture in a frame. This one, a bit stockier, paunchier, balding at the edges, and not just around the head. He seemed worn down by the eraser of the world, as though by some miraculous coincidence he had escaped being completely folded down and compacted into a ball by shrugging through life as quietly as possible. He had never had a woman, never had a mother or a father, never even had a new pair of pants. He was colorless, his body like a pause between empty space and empty space. When people ran into him on the street - as would often happen - they simply bumped around him like the waters of stream encountering a rock. People eddied around him.

​Perhaps it was no coincidence that his name was Eddy, or at least, that was the name the orphanage had given him. When he was fifteen, he asked who his mother had been, and his case-worker (he was #999178-1) had (somewhat rudely) told him that she was a crackwhore who gave birth to him in an alley and that the only reason he'd survived was because his incessant squalling kept a tenant in the apartment complex above from fornicating effectively. Even as a baby, he would reflect ruefully, he would prevent those around him from having sex. He had lived an uncommonly long life for a human prophylactic, but felt just as discarded as a French letter.

​He had come by this job in a somewhat haphazard fashion. Most of the time, you would imagine a bartender should be friendly and personable, ready and willing to lend a sympathetic ear. Eddy ruminated he would only be lending a pathetic ear, having the prefix truncated by his sad-sack demeanor.

​It had been the pram's fault, really. Rolling, racketing down the hill. The mother's blank, terror-taut face as it relinquished itself from her grasp and went speeding by. He had watched it, uncaring for a brief moment, more thrilled by the proximity of disaster than by the prospect of rescue. It wasn't until he heard the thin, piteous wail of the baby that he was galvanized. A thread of electricity snaked through him, starting in the soles of his feet and rioting up to the stem of his brain and causing sparks behind his eyes. Before he was fully aware of what he was doing, he was to his feet and dashing, somewhat lumberingly, after the carriage. Just as it was about to smash into a post-office box, he snatched the handle and yanked it backwards, causing he himself to fall to his buttocks and exhale loudly in the process. The baby within set up an even more piteous howl, somehow seeming louder now that the forward motion had ceased.

​She was suddenly behind him, tear-tracks on her face like snail's footsteps. She gabbled out her apologies, her remonstrances, her heartfelt thank-yous, all the while pumping his hand up and down - even from his awkward, sprawled position. He slowly got to his feet and stared down into the carriage, ignoring the mother.

​The child had uncannily blue eyes. That's what he'd remember, he thought to himself, extending a finger down to the earnest, pink-whorled face. He brushed the back of his knuckle against the infant's cheek, who immediately went quiescent and stared up at him in awe. That, he thought with some satisfaction, is how you should treat your rescuer. Like God.

​The mother was the proprietress of the bar. Her name was Judy, and she needed a replacement, and he needed a job, and so one piece fit with the next, and the puzzle was complete. He showed up the next day, donned the apron and bowtie, and begin fastidiously polishing the glasses like his pre-decessor had and, no doubt, much like his successor would. In a city such as this, such thoughts were not only commonplace, but also necessary. He knew where his last will & testament was.

​Even certain apartment complexes would come equipped with small glass enclosures, for the storing of such documents, labelled, rather comically,

BREAK IN CASE OF DISAPPEARANCE

​Eddy didn't have that luxury. He lived in a run-down, shabby apartment building ruled over by a thundercloud of a woman, as egregiously nosy as she was conversationally inept. Continually followed around by a brood of gaggling children, she would accost him on the stairs as he drooped home from another shift at the bar, fistfuls of grubby tip-money shoved into his pockets. 'Rent's due in one week,' she'd remind him, underchin wobbling with gobbets of fat about ready to drip off and splatter on the warped floorboards. He rather thought she was so full of bile that the fat-gobbet would eat away at the wood and sizzle through the to the third floor landing, the second, and eventually on down into the concrete of the basement, where it would eat at itself relentlessly until only a small, shaded stain would remain - for years to come, even after the rest of her body's inevitable disappearance.

​And what do we, any of us, leave behind, after we've gone?

​The question curled around itself like an ingratiating cat, tail tickling the stem of his brain. He felt suddenly, disgustingly fat, and climbed the stairs all the more quickly. Once within, he sneered at the air and bared his teeth like an incensed wildcat.

Experimentally, he snarled, and then, feeling foolish, grimaced, made a moue with one hand, and sank into his easy-chair.

​The night would be long, longer than any day, and not even the rumble of (yet another) approaching thunderstorm would provide him with a much-needed frisson of excitement. He closed his eyes and imagined that he had a dog - heard the familiar panting and click-click-schuss of nails and paws on the linoleum of the kitchen floor. Felt the corrugated rupp of tongue against his cheek. Maybe tomorrow, Eddy thought to himself, he'd get to the gym. Stop smoking. Take up drinking. Maybe tomorrow he'd vanish into the particulate air, just like all the rest of them.

​His last thoughts before he tumbled into the yaw of sleep: wondering whether or not the police station still had a 'missing persons' department, or if such things were now superfluous, if people just had grown accustomed to suddenly losing people - strangers, their loved ones, even celebrities wiped right off of the television screen ...


​How the ragged fall apart. Something just tugs at the threads dangling from the edges of a person, a great unknown something with dextrous fingers.


​Eddy, back on the job, behind the deserted bar, humming along with Sarah Vaughn's muffled voice, percolating from the old and dingy speakers tucked in their crannies behind the bar. His thoughts swirl around the inside of his head. One customer, so far, today: a fecund, broad-lipped young woman who ordered a Cosmopolitan. He made it a little too strong on purpose, hoping she would unlock herself to him and spill out secrets. He wanted to hear a secret today. Wanted to break a promise to someone. Wanted, above all, to feel human.

​'So, when do you think you'll disappear?' she asked, trailing her finger over the rim of the martini glass. Her expression had gone from quiet to dour, and her hands, once tremulous, had stilled.

​This was not the question he had wanted, but, in keeping with his profession, he shrugged and pointed at the clock. 'Quarter to nine,' he quipped.

​She stared at him, uncomprehending.
​'When I get off work,' he supplied.

​She disapproved, with both lips. 'Not what I meant.'

​'Just trying to lighten the mood, miss.'

​'My mood doesn't need lightening.'

​'My mood always needs lightning,' he mis-heard, perhaps on purpose.

​Her lips only tightened. No laughter seeped through that ossified crack in her face. She downed the rest of her drink and stared at it for a long moment, as if willing it to refill of its own accord.

​'Another?'

​She shook her head, from side to side, slowly at first, as if unsure. Then, once more, and definitively. She'd already paid, but she made no motion to stand. Eddy watched her, and then returned to polishing the glasses, to wiping the bar, to standing just to one side.

​She rested her head in one hand, neck arcing west as if waiting for a monster to divest her of her blood-supply. She looked blankly into the air, at nothing in particular, and certainly not at Eddy.

​He was afraid, for a brief moment, that he'd turned invisible - somehow become even more colorless, faded. Then, abruptly, a shocking bleat of noise issued from his mouth. The woman startled, her elbow jostling the empty martini glass, which toppled to one side and fell with a loud report against the bar.

​'I'm sorry,' he apologized awkwardly. 'I was afraid I'd disappeared.'

​'You're a weird one,' she accused. 'Have a good day.'

​And with that, she gathered herself around herself like a thick fog and vanished out the door.

​'Yes, I know,' Eddy murmured, haplessly, to himself and to no one at all. To the ghosts of those long gone. Aiming his words up; through the low, dim ceiling, piercing the rain-heavy clouds, and finally, galloping toward the petulant, eternal sizzle of the sun.

MONOLOGUE

HE

I walk around when I’m on the phone.  Sit, then stand.  Walk in circles.  Press against weak spots in the floorboard with my foot.  Experiment with the malleability of the walls.  They’re always as solid as I think they’ll be, but the moment before I touch them I think to myself maybe this time they’ll give way.  And all the while your voice in my ear.  I’m listening.  I pay attention.  It’s just that I need to be doing something else while I am.  My mother did the same thing.  I used to find scraps of paper around. notes from the doctor, or the dentist, or the lawyer.  Certain numbers, certain letters, she’d go over and over them again and again with the blue Bic pen.  Like she was slowly, over the years, laying out a code that someone was meant to decipher.  Maybe that’s why she never threw anything out. 

I’m still listening to you.  You’re telling me a story about your stepdad.  I asked you to.  Not specifically about your stepdad, but you mentioned him and I said “go on,” you know, like you do when you’re being polite, though I meant it.  I think I did anyway. 

When I mentioned to you that I was thinking about going to a meeting, you said “you know that’s a real thing, right?  not just a place you can go for attention.”  And it made me think this thorny, ingrown thing.  My first reaction was how unfair it was, but then I thought what if you’re right?  What if this whole thing is just a play to get attention?  I think you were kind of talking to yourself, like you do whenever you dole out advice, but you’re almost always right.  You just say it so it hurts, and you say it so casually, like just kind of tossing out these little IEDs and wait for me (like you know I will) to drive over them.

How did we even come together?  Yes, I’m still listening.  You said how your stepdad was a mean drunk.  He drank Jack.  He called it the Gentleman’s Choice and was pissed years later when they came out with that Gentleman’s Choice Jack Daniels and didn’t pay him any royalties.  How did we even come together?  I remember that we met at the bar, sort of.  It’s like you just kind of melded into my life, and I yours.  Soon enough we were sharing late nights in the shallow end of the booze-pool, wading around and trading ridiculous grins at the stupidest of shit.  And where are you tonight?  You’re drinking and I’m at home.  This is a new thing and I’m sure it’s what will eventually drive us apart.  The booze.  Not the new thing.  Or, I guess the new thing.  The new thing is mostly me.

And you’ve been to the meetings already and I haven’t.  I haven’t told you that I made plans to go with someone else.  You’d be so furious if you knew.  I think it’s my turn to talk, and so.

Yeah, I mean, we all have that kind of person in our families.  Every family’s got one.  I know my mom never touched a drop of drink.  I don’t know what my life would be like if she did.  My stepdad only ever drank domestic beer out of cans.  I never saw hard alcohol until college.  It’s not all about me.  Do you want me to come down there?  You’re not a failure, you’ve just failed. 

See, I can do it too.  I just don’t like how it feels when you explode, because you don’t – not really.  You implode, go as cold as a brown dwarf and ice over.  Get these little frost patches on your lips and fingertips.  Anything you touch or say freezes over and then shatters while you look on, your mouth curving just a little, satisfied – but you’ll never be satisfied, not all the way.

And you’ll keep failing.  That’s the nature of the thing.  You’re not failing until you feel like you’re winning, but you’re not happy with winning, you want to conquer, you want to bust through.  I’m happy with just coming out on top for once.  Do we ever know where we are on the ladder?

What ladder?  I don’t know.  The ladder of life.  Bad metaphor.  I know.  Full of ‘em lately. 

I should let you go. 

I should hang up the phone.  Your voice is pulling me through.  In my mind’s eye, I can see the bar.  The dim places, the jostling shoulders of smiling-too-wide folks.  The thud of the music from each corner of the red room.  I am imagining the covert snickers the cooks in the kitchen are exchanging due to some drunk’s conduct.  I am imagining you imagine the things everyone around you is thinking about you.  Little horrible nightmares growing out of the sides of their heads, all depicting you with fangs and slobber.  Fat rolling off of your sides like waves.  I am watching you slam down another drink to shrivel those growths.  I am being drawn through the phone and I need to hang up and get back to work.

Yeah, I should let you go.  How is it down there?  Just like normal.  Nothing ever changes.

Herodotus says you can’t step into the same river twice.

Well, I guess some things change.  I could use one.  What do you mean what do I mean?  Why could I use a change? Well, I don’t know, I guess.

It’s hard to say.

I’ll talk to you later.

I love you.

quick scribble

and in my dream
we are both mice living
in someone else's attic

i still get drunk every night
and you still chitter endlessly

when your eyes get too black
or too beady
i seek the shifting dust and bones
of our ancestors
in the corners,
praying dutifully
at their steel mausoleums

ite, missa est

& the lightning is a vein
on the back of
god's subtle, murderous hand as
the tired old deity
stretches out across the sky.

the night is hot,
ripe and near-bursting,
like the moment
just before a flower opens,
its mouth like someone drowning,
gasping for air -

& the ocean shifts,
restlessly,
like a dog plagued by
torturous dreams,
whimpering & twitching,
at the foot of the earth's bed

oh something is about to happen
whispers the awed congregation
of tallgrass,
wringing their hands
around the deserted, windchapped
summer estates -

into this, eventually,
the sun rises -
an impatient member
of the audience, standing up,
making his irritable way
home

maria of the moon

how many sides does the moon have?
we divide it into two,
one for light, one for dark,
but i see a dim side
that hopeless color gray
like your eyes & cigarette ash,
& sparrow's wings,

this is the remote place
where the souls of everything
that burned down go,
sitting crosslegged with knees pulled up
gazing wistfully down on the earth
from the edges of huge, dry seas
reputedly made up of tears -
but how would tears get to the moon,
unless when we cried them
they went up
like tiny liquid balloons
that never pop -

this existence, most argue
is totally meaningless
without a thought for love
or destination
so i will light a lantern &
at the end of my life & escape
silently
hoping no one notices

& i will meet you there
with hands & pockets
full of the love i never believed in,
melting helplessly like icecubes
in the summer sun,
apologizing with my atlantic eyes
while we watch stars
nearer than they ever have been
streak across outerspace
& extinguish themselves violently
in a shower of sparks
like a cigarette
flung to the asphalt -

i hope we will dance
on this undiscovered third side of the moon,
i hope we will swim
in its gray sealess seas
& that we will kiss
for as long as forever lasts,
since we don't need to breathe
anymore -

i have confidence our souls
will be safe on this satellite
until the fidgeting hands of time
decide to dismantle it
& we float instead
hand in hand
through a new place
that has no end -

fragments

1.
he had an 88-key piano tattooed on his back and confided drunkenly to anyone who would listen that his deepest wish was to have a lover play Chopin on him during a thunderstorm.

2.
the dog with one eye knew nothing but pretended it knew everything. its owner named it Sibyl and every bark was treated like a prophecy.

one day the roof fell in

3.
rain on a Saturday. he sat in the window and lit matches, one after the other, timing how long he could hold them

4.
dogcatcher idle behind the steering wheel, chain-smoking. thunderstorm in his eyes and a caustic pain in his gut from all the coffee. in the back, the sound of claws against metal.

in the evening he stops by the playground and leers at the empty swings, the gold band on his finger chafing.

5.
ersatz moon over Menlo park! the spaces between the inventor’s idle hands crackle with the bated-breath leaping of electrons

outside, a set of flickering lovers waltz and then disappear

6.
he fell in love with a tornado and chased it across the country. wrote a hundred desperate letters and, when he got close enough, delivered them all by hand.

two counties over, as the sirens yelp, his wife weeps for something lost

7.
one day he starts collecting doorknobs, spends hours sitting at his desk, turning them

a lightbulb burns out with a startling snap and sizzles in the suddenly cyanotic dark

8.
a company of twelve, full-throated and laughing, buzzing with wine and good humor. one of them makes a joke about killing time and another smashes the clock on the wall to the floor.

“it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time,” he confesses, later. when he rolls up his sleeves, the detective notices the ten wristwatches he’s lashed to his arms, like phylacteries

9.
the veil lifts and everyone in the world is abruptly treated to the truth of their resurrections, can remember each life they’ve lived

the Mnemnosynarians build a church in the middle of the desert and murmur prayers consisting entirely of every name they’ve ever had

10.
when he showed up at the bar he announced that he’d scripted everything he was going to say that night and everyone thought he was insane until, at last call, he pulled out the pages and showed them what they’d said all night

11.

in the living room

the first time he bared his shoulders,
his father knew he was a hero. 

or was it that he knew
his father was a hero. 

the wail from a nearby speaker
neither confirmed one
nor disproved both of these things.

and when i am tired
it's my mind
having a conversation
with my body
saying over & over

time to dream

gilead

at dawn,
the sky opens its
treacherous mouth,
& chokes on
the poisonous fruit
of the sun -

let its gargled,
inarticulate prose
fill the ears
of those too hungover
to sense anything
other than static's roar -

let the juice
of that dawn
drip down the chins
of those still waking,
eyes glassy with hope
& throats seared by
the thoughts of those
futures which,
one night prior,
inflamed their hearts
with insane promise -

with those words which
could not provide balm
to their abraded souls -

& yet,
hear,
flesh
soughing
regretfully
over bone -

hear
the heave & sway
like a becalmed vessel
in a familiar harbour -
the yaw & creak
of something submerged
in the realm of memory -

like that ship,
rocking, pleasantly,
to & fro, tidally,
in the graying waves
of yesterday

post-war, desolation

the divine general
is kicked back at his holy desk
helmet tipped down over his eyes
snoring

on the wall behind him
a map of the universe
yellowed and faded,
curling at the corners

someone has written in Sharpie
on the general's helmet
“God is Dead”
then crept out of the room
snickering

and, below,
the spavined old women
clutching wooden beads
in shivering hands
bend their bonneted heads
murmuring like a newsreel
the songs of Heaven

and the burnished-eyed,
spring-young men,
chins thrust forward,
resolutely march
forever through fields
toward a many-handed,
million-named enemy
with only philosophy
to protect them -

this year the trees shall
unburden themselves of pages
in place of leaves
and shrink themselves
in the process,
turn to wizened old men,
stooping over graves
and clucking their tongues

and
in the encroaching dark
as the sun goes out
with a mutter, and
as the stars begin to
sizzle in the skillet
of the sky,

the gloating sound of
the dead rises
from the horizon
like an orchestra warming up,

then,
wind,
and nothing further

but the cruel wink
of the moon
over the empty churchyards

triptych

first,
rage -
a quiet, invidious force -
a cold wind seeping into
the cracks
of the teeth,
a gathering knot
of electricity,
seething in the veins.

its partner is sadness,
trailing behind,
mournfully,
yet dutifully,
tightening the strings...

then,
the third,
unnamed,
with scissors -

& last,
gray-cowled regret,
oscillating between
what is now &
what once was,
somehow inveterately
shuddering
caught in a trap
whose jaws
open, close,
and open again
without words

Eigengrau

the sudden saccade
of the eye
from one dark
to another
& the lip jerks
to reveal bared incisor

the embyronic shadows
conceal still
the cowled demon
of nightmare,
huddled, unbreathing,
diamond-bright eyes
fixed on the bed

the hiss of dream,
departing -
a crack in the window
through which a
trysting lover is going
psst
psst

the bedside lamp allows
only a quaver of littoral light -
the bulb may burn out,
pulses weakly
in electric thrust
& does not
dispel the demon

there is no one
at the window.
there is no one
in the corner.
there is no one
in the bed.

the room is empty
and the light is on,

and yet, hear:
the snap and pop
of sinews tightening, and
the cavernous yawn
of something still waking

the dogcatcher: scene

1
weirding hour -
raining again.

headlights in
the desultory dusk,
questing up fog-laden streets

cold in the cracks of my teeth
shaky fingertips
hurried, arrhythmic steps

spindly trees
flailing and moaning
like flagellants
unable to reach the whip

stoplights sag, sway,
blinking
in confusion -
red, red, red

and the streetlights reflect
in the mirror-wet asphalt
like an eldritch arena

waiting for some
awful battle
to begin -


2
father's waiting at home
with a handgun
nestled in his arms
he murmurs to it
as if to reassure,
but his eyes keep flicking
to the door

his index finger runs
down the barrel,
slowly
outlines the trigger

the crescent moon of his smile
trembles over the
horizon of his lips
and sets again
as if afraid to rise

the rocking-chair creaks
in supplication
and he ignores it


3
my heart is
squirming around
inside my ribcage
like a child held
too tightly,
as i slide the key
into the lock

the door is heavier
than usual,
as if complicit in
some awful crime -
the hinges
squeal

inside,
the shadows flock
like disrupted birds
worrying at one another -
they splay themselves
over the white waste
of the walls
as if furtively,
guiltily,
hiding something -


4
the van parked
down the street
idles,
sighs -

in the back,
a horde of muzzled dogs
whine,
pawing at their snouts
eyes murderous,
sinews taut

in the front seat,
the dogcatcher taps fingers
in an ostinato
on the wheel
one two three four
five
one two three four
five