resolve

so today is the first day i'm going to the gym. i have signed up at the Y, and i am going to the gym.

it's one of those things, you know. you set yourself up. "this is a terrifying thing." "i am scared." can you legitimately say: "i am not scared. this isn't terrifying. why is this terrifying?"

yes. of course you can.

although i admit to being slightly fatigued. i believe i got enough sleep last night. i performed normal calisthenics this morning. it is slightly colder out than i would like it to be. turned the heat up a little. the cat rubbed up against me as i was making breakfast, meowing quite urgently. climbed up my leg and stretched at me, claws extended, eyes eager. hungry cat. i smoked a cigarette, showered, and now i am idle. the plan for today: gym for a half-hour, perhaps an hour. it'll be a wandering sort of orientation, the worst kind, since i don't know what i need to do and i don't have any idea how to go about doing it (not true: i know some of what i need to do and how to do it, i just don't have a routine yet) which means i'll either have to rely on my roommate for guidance or one of those helpful trainers who are provided gratis. i don't like asking for help. after the gym i am going to come home and watch a movie. perhaps some television. i might even take a nap or meditate. if i get antsy, i will go to the coffeeshop with my book & my notebook. in fact, i think i'll probably do that anyway. hard to read at home: distractions. nowhere is ideal.

i could fall asleep again right now. i continue to yawn. this morning, 9AM, alarm goes off, and my eyes snap open. i am telling myself, forcefully, disengage from the dream, fling yourself into awake. and i did, though it was somewhat painful, and certainly not comfortable.

i have decided, just now, not to plan the day, but to listen to my body and allow it to tell me what i need the most. chances are, even if i watch something, i'll end up conking out right on the couch.

good thing no-one reads this. what pointless drivel.