crazy guy in the corduroy jacket who haunts me.

everywhere i go, there he is. and he's hatefully insane, too. talks to himself with the distinct and intentional purpose of others hearing his bile. the coffee shop, the library.

the past few days: ripening with the warmth of the sun, but still tempered yet by chill, stiff winds out of the north. i am to meet old friends for lunch today. i am become suddenly so mobile, backpack a part of me all over again, wandering the street from destination to destination, returning home only briefly to refuel - light the bowl, down an emergen-c, maybe eat something. grab a sweater, drop off something. pick up something. then out the door again and not home til morning. that's two nights in three days i haven't slept in my bed. i don't miss it.

dr. says i think in extremes. says i walk around with my heart four feet in front of me. i am disgusted with this characterization of myself.

last night: night five of a bender. perhaps night six, tonight? probably not. but it's so nice outside, i can't rationalize staying inside and doing the same thing i did all winter. besides, when i drink, i write. i've been writing - short abortions of poetry, but it's something. now that i'm chronicling it, i won't be able to anymore - watch. maybe i shouldn't talk about it.

read a little 'vanity of duluoz' last night. kerouac-cobbled prose after, jerky and wild. delved into an old green notebook. the ink is blurry with the effects of a drugged out bike ride ending in pouring rain. shoved it in my backpack this morning after smoking a quick shower and hit off of a fresh green bowl. earphones in, cigarette lit, and out the door and away!

in other news: a sudden windfall, which i have definitely cut into these past few nights with my exorbitant dipsomania - but i'm thinking maybe it's definitely time for a tattoo. i was also invited to go to puerto rico for a week this coming july. might save up to do that, too.

i have three undeveloped rolls of film. their contents are a total mystery to me. tomorrow i think i will have them developed.