sui generis

S stayed after E went to E, and for awhile we yelled at one another over the music. she was drinking Guinness. i was drinking a lot. it's very easy to lose her voice to the din, a lot like my friend ryan, who speaks so softly so as almost not to be heard. ryan has chosen not to smoke marijuana as of late, due to an increasing paranoia while high. he has also taken to drinking vodka with tonic as opposed to beers upon beers. i have, as of late, taken to drinking shots of whatever with my beers. doctor macgillicuddy's. i've been staying away from whiskey. edging away.

last night (dare i return to it), a shock to the system in the form of old friends. i am a different person, i feel, than i used to be, yet i am standing on the rickety stilts of the past. sometimes the ground gives way beneath me. i wish i'd handled it better: instead, i had a strange panic attack. later, after they'd left the restaurant, i felt that old blackness settle on the insides of me, that disappointment. having reviewed my actions of the past hour, i was sickened with myself. i kept telling the story to everyone i knew who cared enough to listen, as if trying to explain to myself my actions, trying to rationalize that i'd freaked out and basically hid from them the whole time they were there.

Q: What were you hiding from?

A: a lot of things, actually. i didn't want to talk to them. didn't want to engage them in any kind of conversation. didn't want to have to, didn't want them to.

Q: Why not?

A: well. old patterns, i guess.

Q: What do you mean?

A: it wasn't them - it was him. i could've handled it had it just been the two of them, but he was there too. -- and, he said "good to see you," said this master of the genuine, said the honest, flawless trickster.

Q: So what is it about him that scared you -- or sent you into panic mode?

A: unresolved conflict, maybe? but everything is always unresolved. you lose someone, it's not like you can tie your relationship with them up neatly or succinctly.

Q: What do you mean by "lose" someone?

A: i've gone through a lot of social circles. i've known a lot of people. and i've fucked up in every single one of them in a major, awful way, and ended up crashing out of their orbit like an asteroid. those are the people you don't generally get back.

Q: Sounds to me like he wanted to be your friend. He said it was good to see you.

A: and he's not the kind of guy who would have said it and not meant it. or at least, that's who he purports himself to be. maybe he didn't mean it.

Q: Sounds like he did. And didn't she text message you before they even showed up?

A: yes - but she asked me what days i had off. i assumed she, and she alone, wanted to hang out. -- you know, i kind of feel like i was invaded. i feel like they deliberately came to the restaurant, probably high as shit, thought it would be funny, and thought i'd be fine with it. well, i sure showed them it wasn't. i wasn't.

Q: You did? By hiding from them?

A: yes.

Q: It's possible they didn't even notice. Maybe they just thought you were doing work elsewhere in the restaurant.

A: i was conspicuously absent.

Q: Are you sure?

A: well, no. i felt i was.

Q: They don't know that.

A: this settles nothing.

>>>

so after last call, S and ryan and i went to johnny's house. she got too high and i walked her home. may have come off a little creepy. i'm developmentally challenged. sorry. man-child.

days like today, in the backlash of last night, with an empty stomach and no goal in the windshield, make me kind of miserable inside. but the sun is so warm - !

i am wearing my watch again. it makes me feel like a different person.